On Aging

I just turned 35 this month. For some reason, this birthday feels different, like I had attached something to the number 35, half way through my 30's you know. Numbers, huh. My toddler asked me how many numbers I was when we celebrated my birthday and he couldn't process 35 because he is three. The thing is, I don't usually feel 35 but then I looked in the mirror this week and I saw it. I had just put my face oil on one morning and I just saw a hag. Yep, I said to my husband "look at this hag"... I know, I know, that is NOT a positive vibe and I really do try to be positive and encouraging. I sort of feel like a faker. I will tell everyone and anyone to love themselves but apparently I can't abide by my own rules. I looked in the mirror and I saw someone that I almost don't recognize. I don't really like feeling this way. So, I'm putting it here and talking about it.

Aging is a natural part of life. If we're lucky, we get to age, right? Being appreciative for that every day, that's easier said than done. To be grateful for what I view as a deteriorating appearance, well, it just doesn't come naturally. Having a positive view of my looks has never been something that has been a strong suit of mine but I've managed to push through any rough patches. This is different though. Aging brings about change. With emotional and intellectual maturity comes the signs of aging. Boo.  I see the wrinkles around my eyes, the creases in my forehead. I see the dark circles and the gray hair coming in because I just have not had to do something about it. I am wearing my worry on my face (don't get me started on political climate aging me).  All of a sudden, I see the age and it's a real bummer. It's as if I woke up 4+ years after getting married and having kids and looked in the mirror again.

It's hard to say what can change this view of myself. I've had my picture taken recently, whether out and about or a shoot for my blog. When I look at these pictures, I automatically zone in on how very old I feel like I'm looking. "Why can't I age gracefully? Why is it so hard to lose weight? This is isn't reversible!" Here's the thing though, who says that I'm not aging gracefully? Not to get all "society blaming" but I look at men getting older and think, wow, has he gotten more handsome- I'm sort of programmed to think that way. Women do not get the same treatment and I say that with complete honesty, because I catch myself thinking, "she looks good for her age" when I should just be thinking that she looks good.

I cannot turn back time and I cannot do anything about the signs of aging that I'm not already physically doing. It's my attitude that has to change and it's not going to be easy but I can make it a priority, I think that I'm going to start by not being so hard on myself when I'm just getting through my days some days, you know? Starting tomorrow, I'm going to try to something, even if it's tiny, to make myself feel positively about myself. An affirmation about something I'm doing well, a dab of lipgloss and or how about not rolling my eyes when my husband says I'm pretty; this should help me ease into this new adventure called "acceptance of aging". Accepting that I am going to age is the first step. Being able to joke about having a metabolism once upon a time is the second step and counting myself lucky to have the experiences in life that bring about age, well that's the most important step. That's what I need to concentrate on. So yeah, that's how I feel about that.