The Struggle is Real

You guys, lately, I have been struggling.  I have been struggling to come to terms with the new roles and realities in my life. How does one be a mother and also feel free to be an independent, stylish and put together lady who achieves all the goals she sets for herself? *Scratches Head*... Coming to terms with the fact that my life has changed so much in the past year, mostly for the better and learning to go with the flow, has been kind of tough on me. Even when I was pregnant, I went out and did the things that I wanted to do, up until the very end. I didn't hesitate to make a last minute decision and run with it. I went to events. I got facials same day appointments. I started projects and whipped out my sewing machine on a whim. I did lots of stuff for myself. Things aren't like that any more. I have oodles of responsibilities. Sure, I had responsibilities before but things are way more real now, like, I am 1 of 2 people keeping an infant alive. A good majority of the food for said infant is either being created by my body or being bought by this body at Target or being made by this body in a food processor (with mixed results). The point that I'm getting at is that life is different and while I love being a mother (like, WHOA BIG TIME LOVE IT), I don't love how little time I have left at the end of the day to be "me". Who am I anyways?

I guess I wasn't prepared that becoming a mother would make me feel like I am engulfed in all things baby, floating further and further away from myself in the process. There is an ever growing list of things that I want to do creatively that I just have to whittle down because if we are being honest, my spare time is limited and I am seriously lacking focus. Self care is the same story. If I want to get a pedicure or facial, it has to be a part of a schedule that we have pre-planned so that everything for the baby is buttoned up. Yoga? On the schedule. When I eat food? On the schedule and sometimes not even when scheduled. Imagine how hard it is to schedule time to sew. I fully understand that I am in my first year of motherhood and that it's not supposed to be super easy but I guess I just had always figured that if I put my mind to something (ie: "Having it All"), that it wouldn't be an issue for me. My mind is always thinking about the next thing that I have to get done so that I can be "productive" but the problem is that it doesn't matter how much I get done, I will always think I could have done more. Until now...

I've just recently realized that sometimes you can't push yourself too hard. I had my first ever migraine this week. Like splotchy, scary, blurred vision and a searing headache. I had no idea what it was until I went to the eye doctor the following morning. Duh, it was a migraine. Migraines can be brought on by stress, exhaustion, dehydration and so on and so forth. Bottom line, I'm probably not taking the best care of myself. I am also probably holding myself to some pretty high standards that no super human could rise to. Long story short, I need to give myself a break once in awhile.

The old me, well, she was doing everything she wanted to do. The new me? Well, I am still getting to know her. I am a mother now, which is a pretty important job, one that I wanted. While being a mother doesn't define me, it will be forever a part of who I am. This is "me". I am an individual but I am also part of a new team, one which might have more members in the future. I need to embrace it, not buck it off because I sort of long for what it was like before. It will never be like before. Life is a balance of holding on and letting go...

Has anyone had a similar experience?